Getting sick

It has been a hard couple of days. Yesterday we found out that my cousin's son, 2 years old, passed away in his sleep. I haven't heard exactly what happened but it is literally heart breaking, and I have been praying for her and her husband very much. I know that this little boy is in heaven but his mother has had a lot of heartache in her life. It just makes you realize how very fragile all of us are, and at any moment we could just be gone. No words to express the sadness that I feel for all of those that are left behind.

D decided not to go to court, which I am incredibly thankful for. There was a flurry of emails, which was ultimately basically pointless because he decided not to go. That bullet has been dodged - whew! They said he could only go if he wanted to make a statement to the judge, and then he'd have to leave the courtroom and wait in a room by himself until it was over.

The GAL gave us some idea on stuff to tell D when he asks what happened at court. I can't figure out if she thinks TPR WILL or WON'T eventually happen, because she seems to be providing conflicting information and it is stressing me out.

My brain feels totally fried and I can barely think straight right now. I have been just go go going, waking up at night or waking up really early and not being able to get back to sleep just thinking about this. I am sick about the whole thing.

I don't think bio mom knows what is going to happen, or else she is in complete denial. Seeing her reaction tomorrow is probably going to be extremely difficult. She seems to think she will be out of court in time for her visit with M and that it isn't going to last very long. Meanwhile, the team doesn't even want M's FM to bring her because they don't want her to see bio mom upset. Clearly there is a communication issue here.

I have been compulsively checking my email because I am expecting the therapist to email me her official findings from the bonding assessments. She was supposed to send them yesterday! I figure the more information I have before court the less I have to stress about.

I bought decorations and stuff for C's 4th birthday party today. It was a nice diversion. I think I am not going to really get him any toys. I bought a few things, stuff to work on with counting and writing letters, and also some paints (why paints? I don't know, I'm not thinking straight).

This time tomorrow I am hoping my brain will be functioning a little bit better.

Thank you all for your prayers, I do feel them already.