The post of many topics

Today is the day that the team is meeting to discuss the case. I probably won't hear anything until tomorrow, because that's how our CW rolls. That is probably also not going to stop me from obsessively checking my email every 30 minutes or more. Thank goodness for smart phones! :)

Last night I dusted our upstairs, and it was awful! We got some of those Swiffer duster things for our wedding (six years ago!) and I decided to use them. FYI, this is not to say that I haven't dusted in 6 years, because I definitely have. I just don't usually use those things. Anyway, they worked out pretty well! I found myself wishing I had some more because I used up all the ones I had...they were getting to the point where they had so much grime on them that each swipe was leaving half the dust behind. Ha!

I am finally, officially, finished painting our new trim for the upstairs. It took me about a month. Not that I worked on it every day, but I did try to be consistent about it. The worst part - It is being installed on Monday, and then I will have to go through and putty all the holes, sand, and then paint AGAIN. Plus I still have to paint all of the doors! Oh, the horror. Seriously. It's going to be ages before I'm completely done. But even when it's not done I am confident it will look nicer than what we have right now.

I have been feeling some guilt lately about finances. It seems that a lot of people seem to be struggling, or at least just not having a lot extra. I feel somewhat guilty because we seem to have things "easy". My husband works very hard, and we try to make wise financial decisions. We are fairly frugal, though not to the extent of some people. We decided when we got married to get out of debt, and we did that as soon as possible, even sending all our wedding money to our credit card company. And we give away a fair amount of money too, and try to be generous when we hear of people that need help. So it's not like we just buy all kinds of new things or get whatever we want, or something like that.

I was really letting it get me down, until I realized - We have different burdens to bear. We are bearing the burden of infertility each and every day (yes, I still think about it every day, as I have for pretty much the last 10 or so years of my life), and so many other burdens from lifetimes of hurts and, I'll admit it, bad decisions (on my part at least). So just because money isn't a burden for us (at THIS point in our lives; nothing to say of the years where it was a big, big burden for us) doesn't mean we have easy lives.

I'm not saying all this for your benefit, but for mine. I don't want to get caught in some kind of convoluted trap where I feel bad about receiving God's blessings! It's Satan trying to pile even higher the guilt that I allow to be put onto my shoulders on a daily basis. My house is never clean enough or organized enough, I am never doing enough to make the kids happy or my husband happy or, I'll admit it, even the dogs and cats happy! I seriously think these things and others multiple times a day. Every mistake is like a record on repeat in my head, I hear 100+ times from myself each wrong thing I do. It could be something like saying the wrong thing, getting a bad attitude with one of the boys, handling discipline in a less than perfect manner, etc. I feel every criticism, real or imagined, to the very core of my being and think about each one for days before I allow them to be put to rest. I regularly remember things I did in high school (I graduated 12 years ago!) and wince. I have no judge worse than the one that I hear from in my head on a daily basis.

I wasn't really planning on talking about that but it feels good to get it out. :)

And, I suppose, that is that. I'll update if and when I get an update that's worth updating about. :)

Comments

  1. Oh Wow, this post really meets me where I am right now. I am so busy with the 3 foster babies, and I keep beating myself up for not having all of my mental lists of priorities checked off. I imagine the criticism others must have of me. I am glad you wrote this because I know I am not alone. I will pray for you and me today. Thanks for sharing.

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