Hard

C's poop medicine ran out on Friday. I never have had a problem getting it refilled, so I called the pharmacy thinking (naively) that I would just pick it up a few hours later, and he wouldn't miss a day in taking it.

Well, they called his specialist doctor, and couldn't get a hold of her. Enter the weekend. Poop was still happening (YAY) although not as frequently.

 Monday rolls around, still nothing back from the doctor. Tuesday I drive to the pharmacy thinking surely by now they've gotten it. They tell me "You are supposed to call the doctor." Um, OK, well thanks for letting me know. So I call her, and they call back and say "He is supposed to be off of his medicine by now." *forehead smack* Oh really, because I just really like giving it to him every single day for NO REASON. Oh wait, no, that's not it. So I explained to the person what happened when we tried to get him off of it, and how the doctor said to keep him on it and make a follow up appointment in 6 months which will be in August (it's May...so there are a few months left!), and she sounded very doubtful. So I explained it again. And she reluctantly said she would get it refilled. So finally Wednesday we get the medicine. It is so frustrating that somehow I know more than the doctor does about what the heck is going on. Don't these people keep notes??? So the C-monster by now is having alternating diarrhea/constipation and has to wear a diaper. He's 4 so, you know, that doesn't really go over real well but it's better than the alternative which is changing his pants every 30 minutes. UGH.
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The little boys woke up today over an hour before their normal wake-up time. My husband told them that it wasn't time to wake up and to go back to sleep. Did they? No. I did have them stay in their room until the normal wake-up time though! So they were very tired, and cranky. The C-Monster made some sad choices, and some sad things happened as a result. So then he yelled "I WANT MY OTHER MOM!" while having a tantrum.

My very mature gut reaction is to yell "WELL SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU!" Isn't that terrible? I have never said that though, I promise. I hope I never will. He also frequently says things like "Well, my OTHER mom lets me _______". Clearly I'm the meanest of the mean parents.

I try not to let it bother me, but it hurts. I know they are just kids, they don't even know the stuff that I have done and do for them on a daily basis, how I have fought for them, all the times I wanted to give up and throw in the towel but I didn't. They don't know the demons their mom faces, they don't know her status right now, they don't know that SHE is the one that decided to stop having visits. They don't see how she put them in danger, how she didn't put them before herself time and time again and how ultimately she made the choices that put them into foster care and into my home. Part of me just wants to tell them, to just show them what they are saying, you know? Really, you want that? Instead of me? Are you sure?

This morning has been a little bit emotionally exhausting. Oh how I hate the screams of "I want my other mom!" Not to mention the teenager telling me the other day that I am just an acquaintance. Really? You live here for 2 years, I do your laundry, I help you with your homework, I drive you all over the city for various things and still that's it?

All I can say is, it sucks to have competition. This too shall pass I'm sure. I think I just need a good cry and then I can go on with my day, which includes cleaning basically the entire house because it's a mess!
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On another rather strange note, D dreamed that his mom came to our house and was under the influence of something, and cut up our curtains, and then set the couch on fire. The same night, I dreamed we moved to Africa and within 2 days people had given us a cow and a calf, several goats, a giraffe, a hippo, and lots of exotic birds and fish. In my dream I was frantically praying to God "Why did you give us all these animals? What are we supposed to do with them all?" Not sure if this is related or not, but we got a call to do respite for a 2, 3 and 5 year old for 2 overnights. We declined...I mean really, what would they do, camp in the living room? Because that's the only place there is room in this house. If they were older I would have maybe considered it.
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M's placement is supposed to officially be changed soonish. Like, maybe today. Today I am working on organizing and getting her some drawers in the kids' bedroom. I'm not sure if there will be room for all her stuff...the girl has more clothes than both the little boys combined, I'm pretty sure. Not to mention the shoes....oh dear.
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The GAL came over to talk to D about possibly moving to his godmother's house. She seems to think it might not be that bad of an idea. CW is adamantly against it. Ultimately it's up to the judge. Not sure when they will decide that...maybe in June at the next court? I am tired of all of this. So, so tired. I don't know how people do foster care for many many years do it. This case is probably harder than a lot, because of the ages of the kids and the very long time the kids have been in care (26 months and counting). But still!

Comments

  1. Hey just wanted to say I've had my moments where I feel exactly the same way when our kiddos have said things like "well my mommy lets me do..." or other crazy things. Oh the things we see - thankfully I've not said the things that come to mind and instead say "well in our house we do... because want to keep you safe/healthy/etc." or just bite my tongue altogether. Poor kiddos - it's not their fault they've been thrust into this situation but I know from experience it makes it difficult sometimes for caregivers to give them normal care - and yet that is what we fight for...

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  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these feelings. I have to say that I don't know how people do this for years either but I have to think that we are making SOME kind of difference.

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