Visits and such

Sunday was my birthday (it's OK if you forgot, you don't have to tell me happy birthday now! ;) ). The boys were at respite over the weekend so we could try to finish our office in the basement (the basement flooded last spring and we got the water issues fixed but have not re-finished the basement yet).

Sunday was D's basketball game. DH had to stay home and work on the office, so I picked the boys up from respite and went straight to the game with all three of them. The little ones fell asleep in the car after not napping at respite, so I let D go into the gym by himself since he had to be there before the game started, and I stayed in the car for a few more minutes with the little boys while they slept.

Finally I woke them up, which they were not happy about - especially C. When C does not get enough sleep his behaviors and tantrums are insane. But I didn't see myself as having a whole lot of choice here. Brian couldn't watch the little boys because he was installing a floor in the basement (which is not kid-friendly anyway), so he couldn't watch them, and I didn't want to miss D's game though I'm not sure if he cared that (he said he didn't want me there, but who knows, really).

So I am dragging two upset little boys into a gym, and C starts screaming because he didn't want to go into the gym where D was, he wanted to go into this other empty gym for some reason. And of course D's mom and two of her sisters and one uncle were there, and they run over and grab the little boys. I was kind of expecting that but, I don't know, I mean it seemed kind of rude I guess. I am in charge of their safety and well-being at this point, maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask "Hey, do you mind if they hang out with us for a while?" or something?

The little boys hung out with them basically the whole game, and C was having a terrible time and was super crabby. I did notice that anytime he started to have a tantrum he got exactly what he wanted, other than the time he didn't want to put his coat on and the mom made him. I tried to just sit back and be available but not be nosing in anybody's business. I was getting some bad vibes from one of the aunts. I don't know why. It's not like I'm trying to take these kids away from bio mom, you know? I am giving them a place to live, and trying to take care of them the best I know how to.

I just felt/feel so much judgement. I wonder if they feel that from me, too. We do things totally differently, and I know D thinks it's crazy so maybe the rest of his family thinks it's crazy too. D thinks it's nuts that I give C time-outs, and even sometimes give time-outs to Y, he thinks it's crazy that they drink water and they don't get to drink pop or koolaid all day long, he thinks it's weird that I want them to eat healthy foods, he thinks they always wear clothes that are too small and I'm sure he thinks the style is ugly too if it's something I picked out. And I guess I can't say for sure that all of those things are right, and that all of what bio mom does is wrong; but I can sure say that I am doing what I think is best. And I don't feel that I'm harming them in any way.

My parents also came to the game, so that was a little awkward too. I mean it wasn't awkward that they came, just the whole thing of all the bio family and the foster family being there. But we all survived and it turned out ok.

Then today the visit got canceled, because the transport/supervision company did not have authorization to do the visits (the auths expire every so often and our SC is not that great about staying on top of it). I called the SC to let him know in case he wasn't aware, and he said that visits were on hold until further notice. I asked why and he said he couldn't tell me, but that because no forward progress was being made in the case his supervisor wouldn't approve the auth for more visits with the company supervising, and that visits could not go to monitored (where a worker only drops in, and does not stay the whole time) because of the lack of progress in the case.

So I kind of freaked out a little bit, and I told him what happened on Sunday, that the little boys were with bio family but I was sitting right there the whole time and they were not in any danger or anything. I mean for all I know, maybe something bad happened on a visit or something and that is why visits are being put on hold? And SC said that might not be allowed in the future, so that's great. D's games are the ONLY thing anyone in his family has come to, and now they might not be able to come anymore. I mean I understand that the kids' safety should come first, but it just stinks for everyone. Now mom & co. are probably going to hate me even more than they already do. I did say that we could be sure not to take the little boys anymore, but D would still be there of course and I'm not sure if that would be OK or not.

At any rate, this visit thing sounds like it's a huge mess. SC said he is working with the therapists, the GAL, and others to try to get something set up for visits. I am totally in the dark about what is going on. I thought that progress WAS being made, but nobody tells me anything so all I can judge by is whether visits are happening or not. Bio mom has been really good about not canceling lately, so I guess I just assumed all was well. This case is coming up on one year, so maybe that's why this push is going on, to see if they can kick bio mom into gear by taking away visits or something? But last I heard, visits are court-ordered and they HAVE to occur. But I could be wrong.


  1. Wow. On the bright side, you don't have to worry about visits every day, right? Doesn't that give you a little more freedom?

    And give yourself some much due credit! You're an amazing mom! I'm in awe of every post you write :)

  2. Man, this seems very weird to me....It seems like someone could clue you guys in about what's going on. I mean, you SHOULD get to know SOMETHING at least. Well, anyway, ditto what Kim said... you guys are AMAZING and I'm in awe of you as well! Love you!


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