Special visit, and clothes
OK I know you are getting tired of hearing about this, but for the past week (or maybe longer) every.single.visit bio mom has been changing the boys' clothes and putting them in different clothes. She may or may not send their old clothes home, some of which I bought and would like back. I mean technically they are the boys' clothes, not "mine", but I bought them so they could be worn! Not so they could sit at her house or ...whatever the clothes at her house do. I'm not really sure what that is, but I know there is a lot of sharing between family members because the boys have a lot of cousins. Which I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that at all, and there isn't! Just that if I buy stuff for the boys I'd like it to stay with them. Anyway, I'm not sure if I should take the clothes-changing personally, or ask her to knock it off, or just let it go and roll with the punches. DH said I should wash the clothes she sends them home in, then send them on their next visit in those same clothes and see what she does. I'm considering this proposition. But seriously, I have so many many clothes for the little boys at this point it is bordering on ridiculous. I have started just putting them away, I mean what am I going to do with all of them? Little kids don't need 30 shirts, they are going to be grown out of them in the next 6 months anyway, right? The sad thing is that I can't donate any of them to the Foster Care Closet or anything because they have to stay with the boys and go back to their mom's house if/when they go home. So the little boys have 100 shirts between them and they are going to sit in the closet, unused. 100 might be exaggerating, I don't know. :)
I bought the little boys a toddler bible today. It's pretty sweet. It starts with the creation story, and goes through the entire Bible. It obviously doesn't have everything in it, but it is actually pretty complete, I think. Each story is a few pages long and there are lots of pictures, and the words and concepts are simplified. I read it to them for a long time today. D was listening the whole time too, and kept asking questions about the stories which was pretty cool. He also thought it was really neat that so many of his family members have names of Biblical people.
I also bought a devotional for D, it's called "Dinnertime Devotions" I think. We did the first one tonight and he totally participated in it and it seemed like he liked it. We'll have to do it at breakfast time though, because he is only with us for dinner 2 days a week (assuming no visits get canceled). But I think it will be a nice way to start the day. Thanks, Heather, for the tip! :)
I ALSO borrowed the book by Ruby Payne, I think it's called "A framework for understanding poverty"? I have read about 50 pages so far, and I can't believe how insightful and awesome it is. My husband is going to read it when I'm done, which at this rate I will be done in about 3 days assuming I can find some free time in the next few days. Just in the first page I learned things. It is so interesting and is really helping me look at D (and the rest of his family) a little bit more objectively and realistically I think. I pretty much think everyone should read this book. Just from the aspect of social programs, welfare, etc. it is useful information.
And lastly, bio mom has always had a "special" visit with Baby M on Fridays. It is a day when only she goes, the other kids don't. Well now apparently she wants Y to go on this visit too. The visit is from 2-4 in the afternoon. My main concern with this is how C is going to feel, watching his brother getting to go on a visit that he doesn't get to go on. Baby M goes without much ado because a) when she leaves, the boys are usually asleep, and b) I believe the boys see her as separate from them; she comes and goes at sometimes strange times and she does not live with us. But now, C is going to see Y leave, and he is going to (probably) have a tantrum that he can't go, and I can just imagine our conversation once he stops crying:
"Where Y at?"
"He's at your mommy's house"
"I wanna go mah mommy's house!"
"Only Y and M get to go today, honey. Let's play with this other thing and get distracted!"
"Why, Brynnie?"
"...Because she doesn't want you to go!"
Okay I would never actually say that. But really, what am I supposed to say? The kid asks WHY to everything (it's my new most un-favorite word) and he will know what is happening when a worker comes and picks up Y and M but leaves him behind (unless he is still asleep, which would be a blessing!). Not to mention the fact that this visit is during nap time. Oh, and the fact that this is yet another day that we have to plan around visits. Really, 6 days a week? For two hours each time? Why not have them 3 days a week for 4 hours each time? Or for 6 hours on Saturday, or something?
Then also is the issue of D. He always says M is "lucky" because she gets to go on visits on Fridays and he doesn't. And he has asked me why she gets to go. And I can rightfully say "I don't know" because really I don't know for sure, though I have an idea that it is probably an attempt to further facilitate bonding between the bio mom and the baby, since she is so young. But if Y starts going, it is going to be clear to D that his mom gets to pick who goes on the visit and who doesn't get to go, and it is going to be clear to him that she does not want him to go, for whatever reason. I'm sure in his brain he can rationalize it as "Well, since it starts during school I just can't go!" or make some other excuse for her.
I think the whole thing is a load of crap, and I sent an email to my CW and our Cedars worker telling them so. I'm sure they think I'm being difficult. And I hate to admit that some of this is for my own selfish reasons, I mean it really is inconvenient to have to plan around visits SIX days a week now. But honestly the biggest part is feeling badly for the older ones that don't get to go. If she had not had her kids taken away, she wouldn't send some of them away so she could bond with the younger ones, would she? I mean, not probably on a weekly basis at least? It just seems really messed-up to me, but I know my opinion counts for jack squat. We'll see how Friday goes, but if Y and D put up any kind of a fight you can bet I am going to be making phone calls, including to the GAL.
I bought the little boys a toddler bible today. It's pretty sweet. It starts with the creation story, and goes through the entire Bible. It obviously doesn't have everything in it, but it is actually pretty complete, I think. Each story is a few pages long and there are lots of pictures, and the words and concepts are simplified. I read it to them for a long time today. D was listening the whole time too, and kept asking questions about the stories which was pretty cool. He also thought it was really neat that so many of his family members have names of Biblical people.
I also bought a devotional for D, it's called "Dinnertime Devotions" I think. We did the first one tonight and he totally participated in it and it seemed like he liked it. We'll have to do it at breakfast time though, because he is only with us for dinner 2 days a week (assuming no visits get canceled). But I think it will be a nice way to start the day. Thanks, Heather, for the tip! :)
I ALSO borrowed the book by Ruby Payne, I think it's called "A framework for understanding poverty"? I have read about 50 pages so far, and I can't believe how insightful and awesome it is. My husband is going to read it when I'm done, which at this rate I will be done in about 3 days assuming I can find some free time in the next few days. Just in the first page I learned things. It is so interesting and is really helping me look at D (and the rest of his family) a little bit more objectively and realistically I think. I pretty much think everyone should read this book. Just from the aspect of social programs, welfare, etc. it is useful information.
And lastly, bio mom has always had a "special" visit with Baby M on Fridays. It is a day when only she goes, the other kids don't. Well now apparently she wants Y to go on this visit too. The visit is from 2-4 in the afternoon. My main concern with this is how C is going to feel, watching his brother getting to go on a visit that he doesn't get to go on. Baby M goes without much ado because a) when she leaves, the boys are usually asleep, and b) I believe the boys see her as separate from them; she comes and goes at sometimes strange times and she does not live with us. But now, C is going to see Y leave, and he is going to (probably) have a tantrum that he can't go, and I can just imagine our conversation once he stops crying:
"Where Y at?"
"He's at your mommy's house"
"I wanna go mah mommy's house!"
"Only Y and M get to go today, honey. Let's play with this other thing and get distracted!"
"Why, Brynnie?"
"...Because she doesn't want you to go!"
Okay I would never actually say that. But really, what am I supposed to say? The kid asks WHY to everything (it's my new most un-favorite word) and he will know what is happening when a worker comes and picks up Y and M but leaves him behind (unless he is still asleep, which would be a blessing!). Not to mention the fact that this visit is during nap time. Oh, and the fact that this is yet another day that we have to plan around visits. Really, 6 days a week? For two hours each time? Why not have them 3 days a week for 4 hours each time? Or for 6 hours on Saturday, or something?
Then also is the issue of D. He always says M is "lucky" because she gets to go on visits on Fridays and he doesn't. And he has asked me why she gets to go. And I can rightfully say "I don't know" because really I don't know for sure, though I have an idea that it is probably an attempt to further facilitate bonding between the bio mom and the baby, since she is so young. But if Y starts going, it is going to be clear to D that his mom gets to pick who goes on the visit and who doesn't get to go, and it is going to be clear to him that she does not want him to go, for whatever reason. I'm sure in his brain he can rationalize it as "Well, since it starts during school I just can't go!" or make some other excuse for her.
I think the whole thing is a load of crap, and I sent an email to my CW and our Cedars worker telling them so. I'm sure they think I'm being difficult. And I hate to admit that some of this is for my own selfish reasons, I mean it really is inconvenient to have to plan around visits SIX days a week now. But honestly the biggest part is feeling badly for the older ones that don't get to go. If she had not had her kids taken away, she wouldn't send some of them away so she could bond with the younger ones, would she? I mean, not probably on a weekly basis at least? It just seems really messed-up to me, but I know my opinion counts for jack squat. We'll see how Friday goes, but if Y and D put up any kind of a fight you can bet I am going to be making phone calls, including to the GAL.
It's nice that she wants to spend some extra time with one of her kids. It would be really nice if she could just get her act together and get ALL her kids back so they can be with her 24/7 (minus school time), but why do that when you have free day care and only have to deal with your kids two hours a day?
ReplyDeleteSo glad my pestering paid off ;)
ReplyDeleteand wow- 6 days a week? That's gotta be exhausting. You don't even have a life yourself then! I don't know if you can, but I'd push for longer and fewer visits.
On the clothes- ooo, that would tick me off. I'm with your hubby- send them back in the same (clean) clothes. She's most likely selling or giving away the clothes you are sending them in. Then, if she comments about the clothes, just request that she send the other ones back.
How goes the ipod incident?