My confession

Last week, after bio mom canceled two visits (read: 8 hours of visitation that was supposed to occur did not), my husband and I came to the conclusion that I just cannot handle all of my duties as a mother, wife, employee, and business owner when visits get canceled. I just don't have enough time to do everything that needs to be done. The housework part is not what is difficult - the hard part is doing stuff for the business, because I have to sit down and focus on a task and I need to have time to sit at my computer and not be bothered with any distractions, especially when I am working on taxes and that kind of thing. Nap times for me are no longer breaks, since I have the baby and she is awake more and more. During nap times I am feeding the baby, changing the baby, trying to help the baby get to sleep, or just holding and playing with the baby...and then the boys are awake, and then there is no more time. Sometimes she sleeps during the boys' nap time, sometimes not. I know she will not be a baby forever and soon enough she will be on a normal schedule, and I am hoping to help facilitate that a little bit at least.

But in the meantime, when visits don't happen, stuff just doesn't get done. I get behind. I get frustrated and my husband gets frustrated.

So we decided that we needed to have a plan in place, in case visits don't occur. We asked one of our dear friends if she could watch all three of the kids one morning each week, and she said yes! Yay! But there is the issue of getting CPS and whomever else to approve this, but hopefully that won't be too difficult.

It is really freeing to admit that I need help. I have this personal problem of not being able to ask for help. If I ask for help, it's because I REALLY need it. I just always feel like I don't want to be a burden on other people. I will work my tail off, work 24/7, work sick, work early, work late, do whatever I need to do to get the job done. I'm like a border collie - I will just keep working, and working, and working, until the taskmaster inside says it is OK to stop. And I'll do it without complaining most of the time too! I strive to be excellent in what I do, I strive to please others, and I want to do it all by myself because I'm independent and I hate to be viewed as weak. I am constantly comparing myself to others and wanting to do better - not necessarily better than them, but I think "Hey, if they can do it, then why can't I?" I think this is why I inevitably get promoted in all my jobs, though I'm not really sure that all these things are necessarily good character traits.

I am not a perfectionist in all I do. For example, my house is currently pretty messy. OK really there are just a lot of toys everywhere, that I haven't picked up yet. But see, that is OK because kids live here. And, for example, I know that I am a slow runner, so I don't strive to kick other people's butts or anything - but I DO strive to go further, and am always in competition with myself. And, say, if the kitchen is messy...I HATE that. Or like if I don't have a receipt for every single business purchase - I hate that too. Everything needs to be nicely stapled, in order, easy to understand, and well-documented. Anal retentive? Yes, I am. Selective in my anal retentiveness? Yes, I am that too!

Anyway, I just have to admit that you know what, I don't think most stay-at-home moms take care of an infant five days a week and a 1 year old and a two year old 24/7, do pretty much all of the housework for the whole house, do the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the financial stuff, dishes, all the other household crap, and on TOP of all of that also work at least a few hours a week at a from-home job doing things like setting up files, paying the business bills, doing and paying employment taxes, writing paychecks, balancing the checkbook, etc. It's ridiculous. But it's fine when visits occur - I have a decent amount of time when I can get things done and I can balance everything out. When they don't happen, though, it's just too much.

So that is my confession - I am human, and I need help. And I hope that I am going to be able to get some!