Oh dear

I'm so frustrated with the whole system. I feel like I have a lot to say but I am hesitant to put it on my blog...not that's it's horrible or anything like that, just because my fear of my blog being discovered is growing. Even though it's anonymous and I never name names I still am not sure if it is OK to even have this blog or not. It's probably not, really.

Team meeting on Wednesday, and I believe that drug court is happening on Thursday. So I am interested to see what happens there.

I'm feeling a little bit better but I'm just so tired. Not sure if it's because of being sick or because of what has been going on in this case. I need to just quit thinking about it. My brain just grabs onto a thought and sends it through my mind repeatedly, thinking through all the things I've said and all the things other people have said and trying to make sense of everything and trying to ensure I've done and said all the right things.

And I, once again, am just ready for this case to be finished in one way or the other. That might sound horrible, I don't really know. It's hard to explain how it feels to have your life up in the air. So much of my identity is tied up in these kids. Can you imagine wondering if the three children you've raised for the last year and a half will still be your children in 6 months? Maybe by then we will even have completely different kids! It's so strange to think about. I have been trying really hard to just take one day at a time. A lot of times I do well with that approach; this weekend I am not doing it well at all.

I feel like I'd be better able to deal with this if I had a little bit more experience. I envy the people that get to have short-term placements as their first ones. At least after a few short term placements you have experience with different parents, different judges, different workers, different scenarios. I feel like I just don't know at all what is going on right now or like I'm being kept in the dark about things.

I think I shall take a nap and hope I snap out of this funk!


  1. my first case lasted 16 months. i was in love with this sweet little girl, she was emotionally my daughter. yet, towards the end of the case I was truly ready for it to be over, one way or another. She went home to her bio mom and I was broken hearted. still am. i do get to see her though, I am thankful for that.

    when you have the kids going in between your house and their bio parents house it gets really hard really fast.


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