40??

I have 40 followers! That is amazing to me. Hello, new people! :)

The boys are at respite this weekend because I had a 1/2 marathon yesterday and we were going to be gone all day long (we left at like 6:30 in the morning and didn't get home until after 7 p.m.). Since they had a visit and it was pretty darn cold out we felt it was best for them to go to respite. Well...bio mom canceled the visit. I feel like she is spiraling down hill at this point and it is very, very sad. I have been anxious to get this case over, and even though she frustrates me to no end I still feel a great deal of compassion towards her. But for the grace of God, I could have been in her shoes too, you know?

It's just such a roller coaster - last month I was pretty much to the point of accepting that the kids were going home and we would be getting a new placement in the near future, now it appears that that is out the window. But I also know ANYTHING could happen at this point still. The thought of either thing happening (the boys reunifying or us adopting them) is just so overwhelming. I guess I just never thought I would feel so much or that this would be so very hard. It is hard to see the boys so attached to their mom, it is hard to see them get hurt, it is hard to think of all they will have to go through no matter what happens. It's hard to think of them never seeing her again if we were to adopt them, it's hard to think of them seeing her again...you see? No matter what happens, no matter what we decide if we adopt them, no matter what it is going to be terribly hard. It might be easier if their mom was easier to hate. I mean she makes some poor choices but in my mind she is almost like a child still. The whole thing is just sad.

Anyway, changing the subject now because I am getting kinda weepy! The half marathon I ran was extremely hilly, with over 850 feet of elevation gain. There were some pretty majorly steep hills. It was like 24 degrees out, the wind was blowing, and to make matters worse I was on my period! (TMI I know, but this is my blog and I can say what I want!) Also the course was 13.25 miles long, which is longer than a 1/2 marathon usually is (they had to adjust the ending because of a funeral or something). All that to say, I STILL managed to get a personal record for the 1/2 marathon, which I am extremely proud of. My previous PR was set at a race that was pretty much flat so it is definitely an accomplishment. I worked so very hard at this race. I could not have run any further or any faster. In fact, once I got done, I got some water and just sat down. I was so, so tired. My legs still feel kind of weak today - I just want to sit around but I know they will feel better if I can get up and at least try to do some things.

While I was waiting in line for the bathroom a little girl was waiting with her mom. She was probably somewhere between 18 months and 2 years old, and I just got an overwhelming sense of missing the boys! I almost started crying right there. I blame it on the hormones and pre-race jitters. :)

Comments

  1. It sounds like you are going through the same thing we are right now. I can't stand the "what might happen" phase. Will he stay will he go? A month ago we were for sure our Z was ours forever. Today I'm stressing about how life is going to be without him if we don' get TPR. Our little one has been here since he was 1 month and he is about to be 17 months. It's been a looooong bumpy road. I've sent 23 fosters home, but this one is killing me.

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  2. My mom is a marathon runner too!

    (I nominated you for a Liebster Blog Award. Not sure if you have already received this, but I love reading your blog.) :)
    http://foryoubylove.blogspot.com/2012/01/liebster-blog-award.html

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  3. Hello! Just found your blog through Mama Foster, and I was laughing to myself at your description of this "roller coaster" that is foster care; I just posted an entry titled just that. :)

    I also totally understand where you are coming from as far as it being sad in many ways no matter the outcome - I am going through this myself. We are also fairly new at this, also not parents to biological children as yet... it's an odd place to be. But the kids are just so worth it.

    So glad to have found another great blog on foster care to follow - I'll have to read back and catch up a bit! ;)

    http://goodandhardy.blogspot.com/

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