No more kids
I sent the email tonight to our caseworker and FSS that we probably won't be able to take the boys' little sister when she is born in a few months. I think I could do all three small children, but to do it well is a different matter entirely. C's tantrums and clingy-ness, Y's clingy-ness and needs (which I'm sure are normal for his age but still somewhat overwhelming) in addition to the idea of an itty bitty baby that depends on me for every bit of sustenance and to do every single thing for it for months on end...oh dear I just can't imagine. No handing her a tray with a few cheerios on it to buy a few minutes while you get something ready, no distracting her with a toy, no telling her "I have to take care of Y I will get to you in a second" (not that that works real well with our boys but hey, I try!).
I just don't have enough arms. I can't imagine leaving the house by myself with a child that throws tantrums over nothing, a child that can barely walk, and a child that has to be carried in a carrier or a sling. Can't imagine climbing into the back of the minivan to buckle one child in their seat belt and then still having to buckle two other children into theirs - all in 5-point harnesses, no less, because they all weigh under 30 pounds! Can't imagine the number of times that C has tantrum simply because I am holding Y DOUBLING because I would have yet another child that will take away attention from him and truly, it would be a lot of attention removed from him. Can't imagine getting up in the middle of the night more than I already do - I normally get up at least once for the dogs and once for the baby. Go ahead and add a couple of times on that for a NEW baby and I can only imagine the state of my frazzled-ness. It would be terrible. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, honestly. Today I was so frazzled with the three we have that I was nearly in tears. I hate to think of the number of times that would happen with another small child. It would probably be daily.
I asked if the baby could be placed with some of our friends that are currently taking foster care classes. We see them a lot and so the siblings could all see each other. I know D will be really upset if we don't get the baby. He has already asked if he can have a twin bed instead of his queen-size bed so that she could sleep in his room with him. But at least if he got to see her often then that would hopefully help. Plus the foster mom would stay home with the baby which I think is really good especially for kids that little.
I'm sad about not being able to do it but I just don't know that it's really feasible. I have zero experience with babies that young - like I told my husband the other day, everything I learned about keeping Y alive I learned from our friend Melissa who has a child that is close to him in age. I have thought about putting the little boys in part-time daycare so that we could take the baby and the baby could stay home with me but we don't really think daycare is the best option for the boys. Not saying there is anything wrong with daycare, we just think they would do better with the one-on-one attention we can provide to them.
We would be OK with adding her in to the mix once she and the other kids are all older, if the parental rights got terminated. Oh, what a difference a year makes. In a year I expect C will be hopefully mostly tantrum free, potty trained, able to dress and undress himself, and hopefully more compliant overall. In a year Y will be able to communicate with real words other than just the few signs I have taught him, he will walk like a pro, and he will also hopefully be more compliant (though really he does take "no" pretty well...perhaps that means he will be LESS compliant in a year!). In a year this baby will be able to feed herself with her hands, will be crawling and maybe walking, be able to explore her own world to some extent. All of this translates into being less reliant upon me.
So this was really just a stream of consciousness; I have nothing really insightful or ground-breaking to say. The End.
I just don't have enough arms. I can't imagine leaving the house by myself with a child that throws tantrums over nothing, a child that can barely walk, and a child that has to be carried in a carrier or a sling. Can't imagine climbing into the back of the minivan to buckle one child in their seat belt and then still having to buckle two other children into theirs - all in 5-point harnesses, no less, because they all weigh under 30 pounds! Can't imagine the number of times that C has tantrum simply because I am holding Y DOUBLING because I would have yet another child that will take away attention from him and truly, it would be a lot of attention removed from him. Can't imagine getting up in the middle of the night more than I already do - I normally get up at least once for the dogs and once for the baby. Go ahead and add a couple of times on that for a NEW baby and I can only imagine the state of my frazzled-ness. It would be terrible. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, honestly. Today I was so frazzled with the three we have that I was nearly in tears. I hate to think of the number of times that would happen with another small child. It would probably be daily.
I asked if the baby could be placed with some of our friends that are currently taking foster care classes. We see them a lot and so the siblings could all see each other. I know D will be really upset if we don't get the baby. He has already asked if he can have a twin bed instead of his queen-size bed so that she could sleep in his room with him. But at least if he got to see her often then that would hopefully help. Plus the foster mom would stay home with the baby which I think is really good especially for kids that little.
I'm sad about not being able to do it but I just don't know that it's really feasible. I have zero experience with babies that young - like I told my husband the other day, everything I learned about keeping Y alive I learned from our friend Melissa who has a child that is close to him in age. I have thought about putting the little boys in part-time daycare so that we could take the baby and the baby could stay home with me but we don't really think daycare is the best option for the boys. Not saying there is anything wrong with daycare, we just think they would do better with the one-on-one attention we can provide to them.
We would be OK with adding her in to the mix once she and the other kids are all older, if the parental rights got terminated. Oh, what a difference a year makes. In a year I expect C will be hopefully mostly tantrum free, potty trained, able to dress and undress himself, and hopefully more compliant overall. In a year Y will be able to communicate with real words other than just the few signs I have taught him, he will walk like a pro, and he will also hopefully be more compliant (though really he does take "no" pretty well...perhaps that means he will be LESS compliant in a year!). In a year this baby will be able to feed herself with her hands, will be crawling and maybe walking, be able to explore her own world to some extent. All of this translates into being less reliant upon me.
So this was really just a stream of consciousness; I have nothing really insightful or ground-breaking to say. The End.
I disagree. I think your post was thoroughly insightful and ground-breaking. Good for you for making the best decision you can for your family, and the family you're caring for. Those boys are so blessed to have you and Brian in their lives (even if they don't always realize it - or they give you all heck in the mean time)
ReplyDeleteWith the Lord's guidance, we can be prayerful that our friends can take the little girl in so your boys can see her as much as possible. We will certainly be in prayer for that!
oh, and while I'm totally flattered, I'm quite sure Y would still be alive without any of my help - although he probably wouldn't have gone through so many cans of sliced carrots by now :)
I am in complete agreement with Melissa. You have made the wise decision - even though it was the hard decision. A person can only handle so much. And I agree with you - that maybe 12-18 months down the road you will feel like you can handle all of them if need be. It would just be perfect if your friends could take the little girl. Just perfect. I love you Brynn and I'm so proud of all you have done and are doing for these boys. Hang in there - call someone when you are stressed. We've all been there and completely understand.
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