Yeah you should be proud, 2 days in a row! Just because I have a lot more stuff to talk about.

D asked me a few days ago, "Can we see our mom next year?" He has never asked what our agreement with her was as far as contact, I'm sure he assumed (or may have been told) "They won't let me see you."  I explained to him as delicately as I could what our agreement states, that she has to initiate contact but she can have two visits a year, one around Christmas and one around Mother's Day.  And that, again, it is up to her to initiate. Our phone numbers have never changed, she knows them and knows where we live.

He asked why she had to initiate. I explained that she moves around, her phone number is always changing. In fact right now we do not have a current address or phone number for her.  Also that we didn't want to be the ones to track her down because we can't be sure of what kind of "place" she is in. I believe that is how I put it. He nodded as though he understood. I hope he did understand that I wasn't talking about where she lived, but more about her mental and emotional state.  I also told him that she had already missed one visit that she could have had. I'm not sure if it was right or wrong to tell him that but I feel like at 13 maybe he is old enough to know the truth.

Then he asked if he could call her. And so, reluctantly, I explained that our agreement also states she can have a monthly phone call with him, but she has to be the one to initiate it.  I didn't need to tell him that so far she has not done that even one time.  The look on his face was crestfallen. I mean, I don't know how you make this any easier.  I don't want him to think that we are keeping her from him. If she chooses to stay away then that is her choice.  The very very frustrating thing is that apparently she at some point told him that he had to be the one to call her. Not true, not true at all.

This has been a reminder to me that even though it feels like this is "over" it is far from being over. For these kids it will never be over.

Then the night after we had this conversation, I dreamed that the baby was born and that the kids' bio mom was at the hospital. And that we asked her for help picking out a name (I really hope we have a name by the time the baby is born!).  And she picked the middle name of Edward.  Which, if you know our kids, you know that their mom would NEVER pick the name Edward!  It was kind of funny and weird.  The baby was a boy, obviously.  :)

Many years ago I signed up to get an email when children were added to our state's "available for adoption" listings. There are probably 50 or so kids on the list, with pictures and short biographies.  Today I got an email about some kids that were added.  A boy who will be 5 in December, a girl who just turned 6, and their 8 year old brother. I'd be lying if I said my little heart didn't go pitter-patter.  I know it is insane.  I know adding kids to our family right now is literally not possible because of the home we live in, not to mention everything else (hello, this spring our minivan will be officially FULL and hello, new baby + inexperienced parents).  But...but.  I just feel like maybe we are done for now, but not forever.  There are so many kids out there.  In a few years hopefully D will be graduated from high school and off at college or the military or whatever it is he decides to do...

17 week picture! Yeah the mirror needs to be cleaned a little bit but hey, what are you gonna do.


  1. I'm really sorry to hear that about the boy's birth mom. That is so sad, but indicative of why the kids ended up in foster care. None of that, however, takes away the hurt that D might be feeling about that relationship. I feel bad for him


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