During labor I told my midwife that I thought this would hurt more.  She told me, "I think anybody else would think it hurts worse than you think it hurts."  I thought that was pretty funny!  I have done things like walk around on a broken foot for a month and play soccer on a torn ACL for a few months, but really those things just didn't hurt that bad.  Labor was really not that bad except for the last 15 minutes when I was pushing him out, and I would have given anything in the world for it to be over. I have never felt pain like that in my life. Someone told me that they heard ACL reconstruction and recovery hurt as bad as child birth. I'm here to tell you - no, it doesn't.

I checked out of the hospital after a day and a half. While I was there I made it to every care time. I had thought about sleeping through some of them (like the midnight and 4 a.m. ones), but I figured hey, this is probably the only time I'm going to make it to a midnight or 4 a.m. care I might as well be there when I can.  I was also waking up to pump every 2-3 hours, so I was pretty exhausted when I got home.

When he came out of me I literally felt his presence leaving me.  I felt very alone when he was gone.  I still feel very alone when I am not with him. I miss being pregnant.

I'm kind of sad that the last pregnant picture I took was at 28 weeks, and that is the furthest I will get. I'll not be able to have a baby shower where I am big and pregnant, I'll not be able to complain about swollen feet, I'll not be able to wear the awesome maternity clothes I got for much longer. I only gained 20 pounds total; I've already lost 11 of those.

I never knew how much I could miss someone that I really don't even know yet.  I cry almost every time I leave the hospital.  It makes me so sad that I cannot be the one to comfort him when he cries.  I really can't do anything for him except for pump milk, and hold him once a day.

Yesterday D was mad at me, and Brian had to work late, and I felt just so very very overwhelmed.  When I had Ben so early and knew he would be in the NICU, and people were asking what we needed, I thought to myself well, I can't take my baby I will just do everything I normally do, I don't need help! Right?  Wrong. I am sleeping no more than 2 hours at a time.  I spend at least 30 minutes at every pumping session pumping, labeling, cleaning, putting parts together.  So I bet I spend probably a good 4 to 5 hours a day devoted to pumping. And driving to the hospital, usually I go twice a day so that's 1.5 hours of driving.  So you can see where I just don't have the same amount of time that I usually do.  People are bringing us food every night, watching our kids so we can go see Ben together, helping clean and do laundry...I am just so overwhelmed with all of the support that we have.  So, so very thankful for people who stepped in to help even when I wasn't sure if I needed any.

I just don't know when things will get easier.  Ben is doing great, but they won't try to bottle feed him until 32 weeks at the earliest.  I'm sure he won't be home for at least another 6 weeks.  And then, if he won't latch to my breast, I'll still have to pump.  I will work with a lactation consultant and work very very hard to get him to latch, but I won't blame him if he doesn't. This is not the start for him that I had hoped for or imagined.

The day I had Ben bio mom sent me a message asking if I could send pictures and saying she moved 5 hours away and asked if we could meet in the middle for a visit. Clearly, this was the worst timing ever. I mean seriously, EVER.  I think I will tell her that regarding the visit, we'd be happy to do a visit in May (the next agreed upon visit time) since she didn't want to do the one at Christmas, but that we will not be driving more than 30 minutes to do it.

And guess what, it's time to pump.  Story of my life!


  1. Wow, that is the worst timing ever. We also are in the process of adopting (1 girl) through foster care and I have read a little back on your blog. And now you have little preemie Ben to care for. I know almost how overwhelmed you are. When Eva was in PICU (last comment I said 10 months but she was 8 months in picu) we had our 3 sons to take care of and Little J went to respite care. We thought it would be for only a couple of days but it ended up being months...


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