Flustration

This blog has rapidly changed from foster parent blog, to adoptive parent blog, to mother of a preemie blog. Now it is some very weird combination, and I'm sure it's only going to get weirder.

My husband's uncle died a few days ago, and his funeral was yesterday.  I am basically married to my pump now, so going anywhere requires thinking and planning ahead for where and when I am going to pump.  I pumped before we left, we drove an hour and a half to my parents' house so they could watch the little kids for us, I pumped when we got there, we went to the funeral then to the grave site, and had to high-tail it out of there so I could pump. Then we were informed that there was a family reunion type thing that night, so I pumped again at my parents house, then we went to the reunion with the kids, and I pumped there (in the bathroom!).

Most of the people in my husband's family I just don't really know.  I've met a lot of them before, like once or twice, but really that's it.  I am an introvert.  Everybody was wanting to talk to me about Ben. I was just missing him so bad; yesterday I went almost 24 hours without seeing him and it just about killed me. By the time 5 or 6 p.m. rolled around I was just a hot mess, I couldn't stop crying and then people kept talking to me and it just made it worse!  It was so terrible.  I just missed him so bad.  I felt kind of rude, Miss M started having a tantrum when it was time to leave so I just took her out to the van and didn't even say goodbye to anybody. I couldn't even say one word without starting to blubber again. Ugh.  Thankfully that night our dear friend Melissa came over to hang out while the kids were in bed so we could go see him.

Then last night I set my alarm for 1 a.m. to get up and pump. Well, apparently I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I woke up at 3:30 with engorged boobs; I pumped right away and got next to nothing. To make a long story short, the next two times I pumped I got nothing. Then I had two really big pumps (my biggest ever!) and now I'm back to getting nothing. I don't know if I'm still just stressed out from yesterday or what. My two big pumps were when I was sitting in the NICU. I just feel so much better when I'm there, even if I'm not holding him.  I also have a cracked nipple (tmi, I'm sure) and it sucks and it hurts! I think I have the tools to deal with it at this point but it's just flustrating.  Tomorrow is a new day though and I have faith that it will be better.

Ben had an ultrasound on his head today, just a routine thing. They found a grade one brain bleed, and also found a section of his brain that either is currently or was in the past not getting enough blood.  They said it could have happened in utero and is getting better, or it could be something that is just starting. They will do another ultrasound on Friday, then compare the two ultrasounds to see what the changes were.  There is no way of knowing how this will effect him (or IF it will effect him at all), and there is nothing they can do about it.  The doctor was very surprised to see this, she said that at first she thought she was looking at the ultrasound of some other baby.

They also said that if it did happen in utero it could have instigated the pre-term labor.  She said he might have been pinching the umbilical cord in some way, or that the placenta could have had a "stroke".  So that is good to know, I guess.  I am not too worried about all of this; brain bleeds are pretty common in preemies and as for the other thing, I will just assume it is getting better unless I hear otherwise on Friday!

He is up to 2 lbs, 15 ounces. They were supposed to take out his umbilical line tonight so he will be receiving all of his fluids and nutrition through breast milk.  Talk about pressure, right?? Just kidding; if I can't make enough they will just use donor milk. I'd prefer to use mine but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth if he needs it! Also, he has been getting too hot in his isolette which means he is getting better at controlling his own body temperature. They have started turning down the humidification in his isolette and will slowly wean him off of that until he is at about 30% humidity (he started at 70% humidity).

Welp I'm feeling pretty weepy, which is a good sign that I should probably just go to bed. Ha ha ha. :)

Comments

  1. I hope you realize being weepy is very normal right after you have a baby, and that is even when everything is great. You have a lot of added pressure with Ben being in the hospital, pumping and trying to get back and forth to the hospital, anyway my point is don't be to hard on yourself. You are doing great!!! If you need a little weepy time take it:) sending love from Utah

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  2. A baby in hospital is SO stressful. I cried all the time when Eva was in PICU. I just needed to release stress.

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