Things have been kind of hard lately.  I'm feeling overwhelmed with the kids; they have been super naughty and it is so, so frustrating when you have told them 80 million times not to do something and they do it anyway. Consequences are administered accordingly, but still.  I have been making an active effort to spend more time with them (as opposed to cleaning and those kinds of things). We read a ton of books, and I've just been trying to sit with them and hang out with them a little bit and be accessible (not on my phone or busy with other stuff).  But it just always seems like it's not enough, and the weight of all there is to do is heavy on my shoulders all the time.

Ben is still not sleeping well, of course.  I tried to let him cry the other night and after about 45 minutes I was crying myself. It's so hard. I so want him to sleep, and I know I will be a better mom and human being if I can get more sleep. He will probably grow better and be happier if he can get more sleep (although he is a pretty happy baby overall).  But I can't MAKE him sleep.  We did move his bassinet to our walk in closet last night, maybe that will help but I don't know.  We did start solids and he has had avocado, applesauce, bananas, and carrots. He hates bananas and loves avocado. I'm glad he likes avocado since there is so much fat and protein in them, maybe it will help him put on some weight. He has done so great with the solids and he would eat them all the time if I let him, I think! So far we just do one meal a day and only a little bit at a time.  Solids haven't made a difference with sleep despite many people's opinions that it would.

We finally, finally got a stove which is exciting! It's a pretty nice one too, it's gas with a convection oven (we bought it used and saved quite a bit of money over new, yay). 5 weeks without a stove is quite enough, thank you very much! Within a few days of getting the stove, though, my nice big crock pot (remember we are feeding 7 people here!) broke after many years of at least once-a-week use, and also the microwave broke.  So...good thing we have a stove, otherwise we wouldn't be eating much!  I still have a small crock pot which I could make a side dish or dessert or something in, but not enough for a main dish for our family. But thankfully the stove is pretty versatile. :)

Also last weekend our power mysteriously went half way out - seemingly random outlets and lights etc. were not functioning.  We ended up having to call an electrician to come out on a Sunday.  After being here about 3 minutes he was able to figure out that there was something wrong with the power coming into the house...which is something the electric company itself has to fix. So he called them for us, and charged us $100.  There was really no way of getting around having to pay for that, it just kind of stinks. The bright side is they fixed it right away, and it didn't cost us anything more.

Obamacare is making our insurance go up $182/month, which is an increase of 67%.  We pay for our own insurance because we are self employed.  Also our coinsurance changed from zero to 50%. Which is kind of a big change.  I'm looking at other plans now, but I think either way we'll be spending a lot more money than we were which is frustrating.  The 4 big kids aren't even on our insurance, we just pay for me and Brian and Ben.  I don't even want to think about what it would cost if we were paying for all of them.

We got an offer on our old house, and we counter offered, but now they want us to pay to put on a new roof, buy a new furnace, and buy them a refrigerator (we took ours when we left). So I think we are going to counter again, we don't want to mess with them having to approve all that stuff and working with them to pick stuff out, they should just use their own money and pay us less for the house!

Speaking of fridges, this is super nasty. So there was a fridge here when we moved in, but it was really stinky (remember we bought a foreclosure, so maybe there was food left in there and the electricity was shut off or something?).  We moved that fridge out to the garage, and have just been letting it air out. I decided to go ahead and clean it out. Well...there were probably hundreds of tiny maggots all throughout it. It looked like a fly, or maybe 50 flies, crawled up the ice dispenser and...yeah. It was so nasty I was gagging. Brian came up with the idea that maybe we should plug it in to make sure it worked before spending a bunch of time cleaning it. And..it doesn't work. So I didn't have to clean it. Phew. Seriously, so nasty. Oh and the maggots were dried out and crispy, so they weren't fresh or alive. Which was a bonus, because I probably would have puked. I do not like bugs.

Brian kicked me out of the house this morning and it was great.  I was able to spend 3 hours out and about. Ben slept almost the entire time I was gone (which is crazy, because for the past 2 weeks he's only been sleeping 45 minutes at a time for me IF I can get him to take a nap at all).  I am thankful for a husband who loves me!

Anyway. I'm just frazzled.  I feel like if I could at least get like 4 hours of sleep in a row my life would be so different.  It has been 8 long long months of sleep deprivation. The longest I've slept in that time was I think twice I missed a pump alarm while Ben was in the NICU and I slept for 4 hours. Otherwise, it's been mostly 2 or less hours of sleep.

Also I was thinking how it's just been so much pressure since Ben was born. Pressure to pump, to hold it all together with 4 kids at home and one in the hospital, pressure when he came home trying to figure out life with a newborn, trying to buy a house, packing, moving, unpacking, etc. Just...stress.  It's not anybody's fault, and not really anything anyone can do about it. I just look forward to the days where I can get more sleep. Ben not sleeping well during the day doesn't help either, "nap" time is more like me entertaining Ben time while the other two sleep so I don't even get a break then. I enjoy the time alone with him, but I'd also like to take a nap maybe, or else get stuff done.

Also. Ben very rarely falls asleep nursing anymore...but when he does, I just love it. I snuggle him and rock him for a little bit before putting him down to bed.  And even though he isn't hardly napping at all, I just love that when I walk into the room to get him he always gives me the happiest biggest smile. He is so sweet and wonderful, I'm serious. He's probably the nicest baby you'll ever know.  If he slept more he would be a perfect baby. :)  I'm trying to enjoy these days because I know that I will miss them. He is already growing up so fast and getting to be such a big boy.  Now I'm all teary eyed thinking about my baby growing up!

And also I have a lot of things to be thankful for so I don't want to sound like I'm miserable, because I'm not. I'm just tired. So very tired. I do love all my kids, I love having a baby and I am so blessed to have the family that I have.


  1. You have many reasons to be tired. Don't feel like you sound whiny. You could use a long break it seems. Praying for you.


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