Again

I feel like it's important to process this and so I am writing again.

Reading a baby magazine that I got for free (where? who knows), turns out it is just as much about pregnancy and delivery as it is about babies that have already been born.  I don't know why I do this to myself, I guess I think it will be OK and then it's not.

A section about how your baby moves during different points in your pregnancy.  I never even got to 7 months pregnant so I quickly skipped over that, but it was too late to stop the tears from coming.  A section on what it was like to meet your baby for the first time.  I read those stories but couldn't really relate; my baby weighed less than three pounds and was hooked up to all kinds of tubes and wires and monitors, and I was terrified that I was going to hurt him in addition to being joyful at finally being able to hold him.

It just gets me. I don't understand why I would still be so sad about it, but I am.  I am so, so thankful that Ben is OK, that he had a relatively easy (though very very long!) NICU stay. He didn't require surgery, he is developmentally ahead of the curve so far.  Some babies on a preemie board I go to have to be in the NICU for over 100 days. I just can't even imagine. Ben was there for 69 days and that was so, so long.

I don't really expect anyone to understand unless they have been in a similar situation. And that is OK.  A lot of preemie moms feel angry when other people have normal pregnancies; I do not feel angry but sometimes I do feel a little bit jealous and sad.  I don't know if I had another baby with a normal pregnancy and delivery if that would make it go away or not. I kind of think not.

One thing I am thankful for is that now that I have been through that I can encourage others going through similar situations.  The lady that manages the kids' daycare had her water break at 20 weeks.  She was being closely monitored and once she made it to 25 weeks she went to go stay at a hospital on bed rest to try to keep the baby in as long as possible and monitor (one of the biggest risks of PPROM is infection). So I haven't seen her in a few weeks, I'm not sure how she is doing but the fact that she made it to 25 weeks is great.  I gave her a book that I got from the NICU, and told her about all the babies I know of that were born at 23 and 24 weeks and even though it was a big struggle they are doing good now!  And she said that seeing Ben and how he has done has been an encouragement to her, and I'm thankful that this situation can be used for good.
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Now that I've had a good cry let's move on. :)

Ben laughed yesterday for the first time!  I had to take our cat to the vet, and while we were in the waiting room Ben started fussing. So I took him out of the carseat and he rewarded me with a big smile. We chatted for a while (I talk to him, he coos and smiles back, and it really is like we are talking). And then all of the sudden he just started laughing! Then I laughed, and he laughed some more!

I almost died of the cuteness. The ladies at the receptionist desk were all smiling too. :)  He hasn't done it since then, and I think babies normally don't laugh that early (he is 2 months adjusted today) so maybe he won't do it again for a while.  But it was so fun to get to have that "first" with him (and all his other firsts too).  I don't have too many "firsts" with my other kids, at least not the baby kind.

The C-Monster and D had eye exams today, and they both got glasses.  C only has to wear his at school (starting kindergarten this fall, ahhh!). The only frames that would fit him were some cheapish metal ones, so that was unfortunate, but they have a 1 year warranty so if (when!) he breaks them we can get them repaired for free.  He was bummed that the ones he liked were too big for him. He has kind of a skinny head (OK, let's be honest, he has a skinny everything!) but maybe next year he'll be a little bigger. :)

No word on the house yet.  :/

Comments

  1. It's ok the be upset that your pregnancy/delivery was not easy. You waited so long for this, you have gone thru so much with foster care, it would only be fair for you to have an awesome pregnancy and delivery right? And then it doesn't go that way and you loose out on that dream. U were looking forward to all those moments you didn't end up getting...it is ok to morn that. And then enjoy your beautiful miracle. :). It is normal to be sad/mad and happy/thankful at the same time.

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  2. I agree with MamaFoster. Even though the end result is good -- Ben is here and healthy and doing well -- you still lost something. It's OK and good to grieve the loss of the pregnancy/delivery that you thought you would have and that the books/magazines make it look like "everybody else" gets. Even though you know rationally that not every pregnancy is like that, it's normal to feel like you missed out on something. (BTW, I think the reality is that nobody gets a pregnancy/birth story that's just like it is in those books or magazines. They are all different, just as our kids are all different.)

    Hang in there. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling what you're feeling.

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