I'm spending some time today packing, and came across a baby book that Brian's mom got for Ben. It's all those things, like birth weight, what day he came home from the hospital, stuff about me and Brian, that kind of stuff.

I just flipped through it (I haven't written in it at all yet...maybe I should!) just to see what was in there.  One of the first things was the date of birth, how long labor was, and parent's reactions.

And I just started crying. It doesn't seem like "terrified, worried, in shock" should be something that you write to describe your feelings about the birth of your child.

I think I have moved on for the most part, but every once in a while stuff like that just sneaks up on me and I am very sad for the way he had to come into this world.  And yes, I know he is fine now, he is doing so great.  But an occasion that was supposed to be full of joy was instead almost like a nightmarish out of body experience and I will never ever get that day back to do "right".


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