Twisting words and reality
I told the big kids' bio mom about therapy. I was just, you know, trying to provide some information about what was going on with the kids. I thought I should mention it, in case it came up later. Also to show we are being proactive with mental health issues, as her family (and her) have a lot of mental health issues. I told her we are going to get all the kids in therapy, but right now the therapist only has room for 1 and so it is Y. But the other kids will go as she has room.
She asked why Y was going first. Well, it's because he has some problems with getting angry and acting out. Pretty, I would say, normal, especially for a child who was neglected as a baby. I didn't mention that part to her as I'm not trying to offend anyone. She was on drugs at the time; any memory she has from that time period will thusly be distorted. And again, I'm not trying to offend anyone, the past is the past. The best we can do is try to recover and move on.
Well. She comes back with a really long email saying that if I allow them to see her more, these outbursts would stop because then they would know her and know where they come from. And telling us that it will only get worse from here, and they will feel unloved and abandoned as they get older. Then she brought up all the issues D had as a teenager and basically said that the same thing is going to happen to the little ones. (tangent alert - D is not talking to her AT ALL these days; he comes over to visit us several times a week texts us almost daily.)
Then she says that her real mother and her real father are dead and that she grew up wondering where she came from and being raised by someone who wasn't her mother.
Let me give you a little background. I'm going to give bio mom a name for blog purposes...she can be Jolene. None of what I'm about to write is confirmed, it's just what she has told to me. I believe most of it is NOT true; however, the world is a crazy place and I do know that crazy things happen.
Jolene has said that she was born in a Muslim compound in Louisiana. She believes that her real mother was killed by the other adults in the compound, and that they attempted to sacrifice Jolene also but that she didn't die and so they decided to let her live (??? if adults wanted to kill a young child, why wouldn't they be able to be successful?). When Jolene was still a young child, the authorities came to take her and her family away from the compound, and the adults lied and said that this woman (the woman who is listed as the mother on Jolene's birth certificate) was Jolene's mother. So she was given to this woman, who was not actually her mother. Thus she considers herself to be raised by strangers. She doesn't think the date on her birth certificate is correct either. She believes that she was always singled out as a child, and that she was different from her siblings because she just wanted to be left alone and read, and so all these things together lead her to believe she was not actually related to the rest of them.
Side note: D told me that Jolene has so many siblings because the same man impregnated Jolene's mother as well as her sisters...there are 16 sibling/cousins all together.
These are things she told to me via Facebook message about a year ago. She was very anxious at that time, she believed that people were logging into her Facebook and somehow posting things that she didn't post, checking messages that she hadn't read. She urged me to delete the messages after she sent them because of people who were after her. She said she was used to being spied on. Looking back I realize how completely bonkers it sounds. She also was very anxious for me to say that I believed the things she was saying. It all sounds completely crazy, the further away I get from it the more I can see it.
So basically, in this email (which arrived yesterday), she is comparing being raised by an abusive addict who was (allegedly) not her actual mother - to hubby and I raising our 4 (soon to be 5) adopted children in a loving and supportive and most definitely NOT abusive environment. And, news flash, I AM THEIR REAL MOTHER. Biologically, no, but real mother - yes!
I quote, "I've had confirmation that this will go on this way for many years (you refusing to allow them to see or know me)..." I'm not sure what else to call that except a lie and maybe manipulation. We are seeing her twice a year, she is allowed to write letters and the kids can write to her. And now that is "refusing to allow them to see" her? Really?
When she asked for more visits a week or so ago (before this most recent email), I discussed all of this with the kids' therapist. She basically said that Jolene is not able to set boundaries and so it is up to us to set them. And she said that once you open a door (such as, for more frequent visits) then it is hard to shut again. She feels that it is best at this time to not increase visits, and that we are already being more open than we originally agreed upon (by allowing the letters and her baking cakes for the kids' birthdays). We agreed, and informed Jolene of the same.
I'm very scared that the kids are going to grow up and she is going to manipulate them by twisting my words, or our actions. Before I respond to any of her emails I think it over, talk with hubby, often talk it over with the therapist and my parents as well. I pray about this, I spend time thinking. I read foster care and adoption blogs. I mean...I'm not some uneducated baby snatcher, or something. I feel that Miss M especially is susceptible to being manipulated; hopefully the older she gets she will grow out of that a little bit.
Looking back, I can see that Jolene was manipulating me when we used to talk so much. If I didn't respond quickly, she would say things like "Oh, I must have said the wrong thing again :( ." I had to be on it and respond quickly or else she would "feel bad". She once got me a present which was this pot from Vietnam or something. She asked me to think about what is could be used for...the only thing I could think of was incense, maybe? She said that wasn't right. She asked me several times to think about it, close my eyes and hold it, etc...only to find out weeks later that SHE didn't know what it was for either, she had gotten it from a friend and hadn't asked what it was. So...why ask me to waste my time thinking of it? Was it some kind of test? And looking back she was literally asking me for advice on every. single. thing. I think it wasn't because she wanted help...I think it was to either a) make me feel needed so she could get closer to us, b) use up my time/energy so I couldn't think clearly, or c) possibly some combination of the two. I spent lots of time researching phone plans, cable plans, etc for her in December of 2016, helping her with her budget...in January she randomly moved to our town, and didn't need any of that. WTH?
She asked why Y was going first. Well, it's because he has some problems with getting angry and acting out. Pretty, I would say, normal, especially for a child who was neglected as a baby. I didn't mention that part to her as I'm not trying to offend anyone. She was on drugs at the time; any memory she has from that time period will thusly be distorted. And again, I'm not trying to offend anyone, the past is the past. The best we can do is try to recover and move on.
Well. She comes back with a really long email saying that if I allow them to see her more, these outbursts would stop because then they would know her and know where they come from. And telling us that it will only get worse from here, and they will feel unloved and abandoned as they get older. Then she brought up all the issues D had as a teenager and basically said that the same thing is going to happen to the little ones. (tangent alert - D is not talking to her AT ALL these days; he comes over to visit us several times a week texts us almost daily.)
Then she says that her real mother and her real father are dead and that she grew up wondering where she came from and being raised by someone who wasn't her mother.
Let me give you a little background. I'm going to give bio mom a name for blog purposes...she can be Jolene. None of what I'm about to write is confirmed, it's just what she has told to me. I believe most of it is NOT true; however, the world is a crazy place and I do know that crazy things happen.
Jolene has said that she was born in a Muslim compound in Louisiana. She believes that her real mother was killed by the other adults in the compound, and that they attempted to sacrifice Jolene also but that she didn't die and so they decided to let her live (??? if adults wanted to kill a young child, why wouldn't they be able to be successful?). When Jolene was still a young child, the authorities came to take her and her family away from the compound, and the adults lied and said that this woman (the woman who is listed as the mother on Jolene's birth certificate) was Jolene's mother. So she was given to this woman, who was not actually her mother. Thus she considers herself to be raised by strangers. She doesn't think the date on her birth certificate is correct either. She believes that she was always singled out as a child, and that she was different from her siblings because she just wanted to be left alone and read, and so all these things together lead her to believe she was not actually related to the rest of them.
Side note: D told me that Jolene has so many siblings because the same man impregnated Jolene's mother as well as her sisters...there are 16 sibling/cousins all together.
These are things she told to me via Facebook message about a year ago. She was very anxious at that time, she believed that people were logging into her Facebook and somehow posting things that she didn't post, checking messages that she hadn't read. She urged me to delete the messages after she sent them because of people who were after her. She said she was used to being spied on. Looking back I realize how completely bonkers it sounds. She also was very anxious for me to say that I believed the things she was saying. It all sounds completely crazy, the further away I get from it the more I can see it.
So basically, in this email (which arrived yesterday), she is comparing being raised by an abusive addict who was (allegedly) not her actual mother - to hubby and I raising our 4 (soon to be 5) adopted children in a loving and supportive and most definitely NOT abusive environment. And, news flash, I AM THEIR REAL MOTHER. Biologically, no, but real mother - yes!
I quote, "I've had confirmation that this will go on this way for many years (you refusing to allow them to see or know me)..." I'm not sure what else to call that except a lie and maybe manipulation. We are seeing her twice a year, she is allowed to write letters and the kids can write to her. And now that is "refusing to allow them to see" her? Really?
When she asked for more visits a week or so ago (before this most recent email), I discussed all of this with the kids' therapist. She basically said that Jolene is not able to set boundaries and so it is up to us to set them. And she said that once you open a door (such as, for more frequent visits) then it is hard to shut again. She feels that it is best at this time to not increase visits, and that we are already being more open than we originally agreed upon (by allowing the letters and her baking cakes for the kids' birthdays). We agreed, and informed Jolene of the same.
I'm very scared that the kids are going to grow up and she is going to manipulate them by twisting my words, or our actions. Before I respond to any of her emails I think it over, talk with hubby, often talk it over with the therapist and my parents as well. I pray about this, I spend time thinking. I read foster care and adoption blogs. I mean...I'm not some uneducated baby snatcher, or something. I feel that Miss M especially is susceptible to being manipulated; hopefully the older she gets she will grow out of that a little bit.
Looking back, I can see that Jolene was manipulating me when we used to talk so much. If I didn't respond quickly, she would say things like "Oh, I must have said the wrong thing again :( ." I had to be on it and respond quickly or else she would "feel bad". She once got me a present which was this pot from Vietnam or something. She asked me to think about what is could be used for...the only thing I could think of was incense, maybe? She said that wasn't right. She asked me several times to think about it, close my eyes and hold it, etc...only to find out weeks later that SHE didn't know what it was for either, she had gotten it from a friend and hadn't asked what it was. So...why ask me to waste my time thinking of it? Was it some kind of test? And looking back she was literally asking me for advice on every. single. thing. I think it wasn't because she wanted help...I think it was to either a) make me feel needed so she could get closer to us, b) use up my time/energy so I couldn't think clearly, or c) possibly some combination of the two. I spent lots of time researching phone plans, cable plans, etc for her in December of 2016, helping her with her budget...in January she randomly moved to our town, and didn't need any of that. WTH?
I've been manipulated. It's becoming more and more clear. I know that I have a tendency to be a doormat. Thank you, high school boyfriend, for playing me so hard and teaching me the hard way what manipulation is. I'm still learning, obviously. I will attempt to be more careful and use my brain a little bit more.
Sorry for the complete mess that is this post. I just so badly want the truth to be known. Mostly, just for my kids. I just want them to know that we love them, that we did what we thought was the best for them. And none of these decisions have been taken lightly.
Also I was just thinking - isn't it odd how any time I've thought we could start having more visits with Jolene, hubby wasn't on the same page; and when he thought we could start having more visits, I wasn't on the same page. We both have felt very off about this, albeit at different times, throughout the past year and a half that this relationship has been going on between Jolene and I. I think that is worth noting.
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