Former foster parents

Our daughter, M, did not live with us when she was born. For a variety of reasons we didn't feel we could care for an infant on top of everything else we had going on at the time (you can read back about how torn up I was about this choice, back in September/October 2010). I did daycare for her for the first 6 months of her life, but someone else was her foster mom, who held her at night, woke up with her, put her to bed. Then when M went to a "real" daycare, due to the fact that I was losing my ever loving mind, she still came over to our house at least once a week for a few hours.  When it became clear she would be available for adoption at about the age of 18 months old, her foster mom (who had not been planning on adoption) asked us if we would adopt M.  We of course agreed.

Since then, M's old foster mom has been just wonderful. She's come to all of M's birthday parties (except for one, where she had just recently gotten surgery on her foot!), and about once every month or two months she will pick up M and take her out to lunch, or to a movie, or out for doughnuts if it's breakfast time. Just spend some time with her for a few hours, and bring her back home.  She comes to things like ballet recitals, or other big events.  We have so appreciated her hanging around but also giving us some space.

So now. When Peanut went into foster care he was fostered by a couple who had no children. He would have been about 4 months old.  Peanut's bio parents didn't tell anyone in the family what had happened, so no family member could step forward to foster him.  Once hubby's mom found out, she contacted the state and then was able to be Peanut's foster parent.  But for about 3 months he was living with this couple, who I'm sure are very nice people.

Shortly after Peanut moved in with hubby's mom, his old foster father suddenly passed away.  As far as I know it was totally without warning, a big surprise to all. I'm sure it was a blessing to the foster mom to know that Peanut was taken care of, and in her grief to not have to try to care for a young child.

So since then, every couple of months, foster mom has been taking Peanut for a weekend, buying lots of things for him, etc.  He has a ton of clothes in his closet that he will just never wear because he seriously has so many clothes. Probably 50+ tops, I'm not even joking.

So foster mom wants to take him for the weekend this weekend. And asked if she could have a birthday party for him with her family.

I am just totally weirded out by this. I talked to a few other people and they agree as well.  She wants him this weekend because there is going to be a memorial for her husband put up in a park and she wants him to be there, and she wants to do a birthday party for Peanut as well.  We told her that he has been bounced around so much we just want him to stay with us, to help with bonding. I'm not sure he would know her if he saw her, and of course he's too young to understand or know what is going on.  I feel really weirded out that it is overnight, maybe just because that is outside our realm of experience. It just seems like a lot of jumping around for such a young child!

I'm pretty torn about this because I'm a huge people pleaser, and I have a difficult time telling anyone no about anything.

She hasn't responded to me since I told her no, but I did invite her to Peanut's birthday party that we are having next weekend. Hopefully she won't be too upset, but even if she is then I guess she will have to deal with it.  I really hate telling people no but the older I get the better I get at it.  It just stinks to feel 100% sure you are doing the right thing but still feel badly about doing it!