Weekend trip

This weekend we went to visit hubby's mom's family to celebrate her brother's (I think?) 50th wedding anniversary. It was a surprise!  We left Saturday, drove the 5-ish hours, went to the thing (which was at a park), then went to the hotel and crashed.

Sunday morning we were woken by Miss Claire saying oh-so-sweetly from her crib "Hi, Ben!"  We were (all 7 of us) in a single hotel room. It was a really nice one, but falling asleep was a little hard.  Anyway. Sunday, we went to an amusement park!  The kids all had a good time. Claire finally, after 3 days of no naps, took a nap in the stroller which was very much needed. We got home that night at nearly 11 p.m.  Claire, Ben, and Miss M all fell asleep in the car on the way home and started SCREAMING hysterically once we arrived home and they had to wake up and go inside.  Ah, the joy of being up late too many nights in a row!

I got Claire's diaper changed, and she refused to let me change her clothes so she slept in the same clothes she had been wearing all day (I am not one to pick fights with sleep-deprived 2-year-olds!). I laid her on her bed (she was still screaming), and ran down to the truck to get her special blankie and pillow. By the time I got back upstairs she was sound asleep. Poor baby!

Peanut is here with us today (it's nap time right now - yay for naps!).  Ben and Claire just love having another little one to play with, it's so fun to watch them!

When I was making lunch I was having a hard time figuring out how many plates I needed. I got out 6, then I put one back thinking that I needed a bigger plate for myself (salads take up a lot of plate area!). Then I realized I was going to make Peanut something different than the rest of us, so I put another plate back. Then I got out bread for sandwiches....wait I got out 5 sandwiches worth. Put 2 pieces of bread back. Wait. I still do actually need 5 sandwiches. Doh!  Get out the bread again, make the sandwiches, count once more just to be sure...yeah, OK I think I got it.  5 sandwiches, 1 hot dog, 1 salad. Adulting is hard. 😣

God reminded me of how when Peanut was born, I cried. I cried for him, knowing what kind of life he was being born into. I cried thinking of his tiny, frail body, exposed to who knows what in utero, and what he would most likely continue to be exposed to throughout his life.  And for my helplessness in all of it.  Then I cried because I was crying about a baby being born, crying in a bad way, and that ALL life is so precious.  I am a person who is always excited for babies, and if you have 10 babies and are pregnant I will be genuinely excited for you and tell you congratulations, so this is very out of character for me.  I held him for the first time at M's 5th birthday party, when he was about 1.5 months old.  His dad didn't even tell the family that his girlfriend was expecting...it was just "Oh hey, here is this baby that we had, guys!"  Peanut was so tiny and soooo sweet.  He still is, really. Although I found out today he wears the same size shoe as Claire does (and he's nearly as tall, too!).

I have also been thinking about how God's timing has been incredible in all of this. A year ago, I'm not sure we could have taken him.  D was still living with us, our car and our home were pretty full. We were stressed to the max with dealing with our teenager, I felt I was over my head in homeschooling and just in life in general.

This year, though, D is out of the house with gainful employment, and a plan for his future. We have a wonderful mother's helper who comes pretty much as often as I need her to, and gives me a chance to get things done or teach the older kids in peace while being confident that the younger ones aren't being neglected.  This coming year I'll be sharing more of the burden of schooling with our cooperative school, and hopefully have some quality time to spend with the little ones 2 days a week while the bigs are in school.  A year ago, I'm not sure we could have said "yes" to taking Peanut with confidence.  This year I feel much more confident in my ability to handle another little one.  And I actually am pretty excited, and not scared!

The big kids' bio mom sent me a text a few days ago asking me to tell Y happy birthday for her. The thing is...it wasn't his birthday.  I tried to be super gracious and told her I would definitely tell him, but could she remind me again on the 18th?  She was embarrassed. That has happened once before, with M's birthday.  Bio mom said she is having a hard time with school, and keeping track of her schedule and what is due when etc.  With her background of kind of a chaotic life I can see why that might be hard. I assured her that I struggle with that too, and I definitely have to write stuff down or I forget it! She said she was going to do a better job with using her calendar for stuff and said thank you for being kind.

Anyway. This is really weird, I know, but I've been feeling like..if she is OK now, then what right do I have to be these kids' parents? I kind of feel horrible even saying that. I doubt myself so much.  Part of me feels like the kids wish she was their mother, and not me. And maybe that's true. But this kind of solidified for me that she is still not in a place to parent.  You have to keep track of a BUNCH of stuff to be a parent!  I'm not sure why these feelings of inadequacy just haunt me. I've always had them, even when young.  Anyway, random thoughts.

And quick update on our homestudy - still not done. Zzzz!  The lady I left a message with letting them know that we had been previously licensed apparently didn't pass that info along, and long story short, now they are waiting to unearth our last homestudy from 2012 before proceeding with this one. Hopefully we will get it finished up next week though.  I know hubby's parents are just plain out tired, and they will miss Peanut when he's not there every day  but they are ready for a break!


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