May visit with bio mom (and Peanut update)
Well, this weekend we had our May visit with bio mom. We had planned on Saturday morning at a park, but it rained all morning and was chilly so I asked if Sunday afternoon would be OK. Can kids play in the rain and not die? Yes. Is it fun for 2 hours especially when it's chilly out? No!
We went to this park by her house, so she could walk there and not have to take the bus. It was beautiful weather, and it was PACKED! She said there have never been that many people there before when she has gone. They have a lot to do there, including a splash pad. I didn't know about the splash pad so we didn't bring swimming suits or anything, but it was fine. There was a pond and a giant playground, and trees and grass...what more could you ask for?
There were for sure a few really tense moments. At one point she asked if Y could take off his shoes and walk around the pond. I don't really like the idea of the kids having their shoes off in a public park in not-so-great areas of town. Things like broken glass, and other bad things could easily be hiding among the grass! So I said I'd prefer him to keep his shoes on, and she challenged me on it. And I gave in. I felt sort of like it was a trap for me, but I'm not sure why. I just got this really strange feeling when a) he asked and b) when she challenged me on it.
Looking back, I just should have held my ground. I mean...really. I'm the parent, and it was wrong of her to try to fight with me about the shoes. That's just stupid. I later heard her telling him that they were "Earthing". Since she was upset about me not wanting them to take off their shoes I googled "earthing". At first I thought she was just joking around buuut turns out it's an actual thing. It's like trying to obtain energy from the earth by getting close to it without barriers such as shoes and stuff.
I totally couldn't care less if the kids go shoeless at our house in our yard where I know what to expect (for the most part) but not real keen on it in an area that I am not familiar with. And, not thrilled with the idea of her introducing these ideas to kids. She also brought some crystals and things which I'm sure she thinks have some special powers. Rooted in paganism, and not biblical, and therefore just not really cool with us. But not sure how to address this, I'm sure she thinks she is sharing her wisdom with her progeny! Muddying the waters for sure. She is going to this "natural healing" school where I'm sure she's learning all about this stuff.
There was another moment where M mentioned her ballet recital coming up, and bio mom has not been invited to said recital. We thought about it (because I knew that this would come up during the visit!) but then decided that if we did, it was going to create an expectation of inviting her to "all the things!" for the rest of our lives, and we aren't ready to set that precedent. It may sound horrible, I don't know. It is so hard to know what to do. Anyway, I could tell she was perturbed but she didn't say anything.
Then the other tense moment was that the kids mentioned the new school they are going to next year. Since the time she decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore they were accepted to this school, so I hadn't had a chance to tell her about it. I could tell she was irritated to not already know but, if we don't ever talk then how would I tell her about these things?
So overall, other than those things, it went pretty well. She was very, very upset when the visit was over. I know it is hard for her. I just can't imagine. I'm sure she has so many regrets, so many things she wishes she would have done differently. Years and years of poor choices ended with her getting her kids taken away, and continued poor choices for 2 more years got them taken away forever. I am not sure how you would even deal with that as a human being and living with that, forever. The kids didn't help anything by saying "Can we come visit your house? can you come to our house?" etc etc.
I haven't heard from her but I am sort of expecting some kind of shaming message to come eventually once she pulls herself back together. We will see. The kids seem fine, they haven't really talked about it. Maybe once things settle down and they have had time to think about it they will have some more questions.
I just really don't know how to handle these gray areas. If she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, then it seems like...she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. But does she still want to talk to me about SOME stuff? Or, like, am I supposed to tell her about milestones or something still? Or just let the kids tell her when they see her, now that they are actually seeing her (since they weren't before, of course). I am a very black and white person and I suck, I mean REALLY suck, at interpersonal relationships, especially when the other person seems to really despise me.
D came into town this weekend too and came over and surprised me. We managed to get a family pic, which we haven't had one taken in almost 2 years so that was good! I asked if he was visiting bio mom and he said no way, so I didn't mention to her at all that he was here.
I guess that is all for now. Just writing all this down was exhausting but I want to put it down on "paper" or else I know I'll forget.
______________________
In other news, hubby and I got fingerprinted and filled out all our paperwork for Peanut. So now we wait on the state. Surprise, surprise, waiting on the state. ;) His mom hasn't shown up to the last 2 visits. She only has visits once a week so if she misses two in a row, that is a REALLY long time with no visit. The caseworker asked us how soon we could be ready to take Peanut, and I told him we need like a week's notice to get furniture moved (since we need to rearrange bedrooms). We could go ahead and do this now but since we're not sure if he is actually going to be coming it seems pointless to change things around, right?
I am going through cleaning and organizing and basically nesting in preparation. I know the more organized we are the easier life will be, and so I'm selling stuff, cleaning stuff, and throwing away stuff. It needs to be done regardless of whether he comes to live with us or not, so it's not like I'm wasting my time! I've already gone through all the clothes (ALL THE CLOTHES!) and organized them. I decided to start storing all the winter coats, all the jackets, and all the snow pants together instead of with their respective sex/size clothing. My thinking is, kids can wear jackets, snow pants, and coats that are a size different from their normal clothing size and be fine. So in a pinch (like the first snow of the year, when you aren't really prepared for anything yet) we can just throw stuff on and go play without having to dig up 5 separate tubs of clothes and rifle through them.
Peanut's bio mom goes to court tomorrow, so I guess we will see what happens. Probably nothing but you never know. :D
We went to this park by her house, so she could walk there and not have to take the bus. It was beautiful weather, and it was PACKED! She said there have never been that many people there before when she has gone. They have a lot to do there, including a splash pad. I didn't know about the splash pad so we didn't bring swimming suits or anything, but it was fine. There was a pond and a giant playground, and trees and grass...what more could you ask for?
There were for sure a few really tense moments. At one point she asked if Y could take off his shoes and walk around the pond. I don't really like the idea of the kids having their shoes off in a public park in not-so-great areas of town. Things like broken glass, and other bad things could easily be hiding among the grass! So I said I'd prefer him to keep his shoes on, and she challenged me on it. And I gave in. I felt sort of like it was a trap for me, but I'm not sure why. I just got this really strange feeling when a) he asked and b) when she challenged me on it.
Looking back, I just should have held my ground. I mean...really. I'm the parent, and it was wrong of her to try to fight with me about the shoes. That's just stupid. I later heard her telling him that they were "Earthing". Since she was upset about me not wanting them to take off their shoes I googled "earthing". At first I thought she was just joking around buuut turns out it's an actual thing. It's like trying to obtain energy from the earth by getting close to it without barriers such as shoes and stuff.
I totally couldn't care less if the kids go shoeless at our house in our yard where I know what to expect (for the most part) but not real keen on it in an area that I am not familiar with. And, not thrilled with the idea of her introducing these ideas to kids. She also brought some crystals and things which I'm sure she thinks have some special powers. Rooted in paganism, and not biblical, and therefore just not really cool with us. But not sure how to address this, I'm sure she thinks she is sharing her wisdom with her progeny! Muddying the waters for sure. She is going to this "natural healing" school where I'm sure she's learning all about this stuff.
There was another moment where M mentioned her ballet recital coming up, and bio mom has not been invited to said recital. We thought about it (because I knew that this would come up during the visit!) but then decided that if we did, it was going to create an expectation of inviting her to "all the things!" for the rest of our lives, and we aren't ready to set that precedent. It may sound horrible, I don't know. It is so hard to know what to do. Anyway, I could tell she was perturbed but she didn't say anything.
Then the other tense moment was that the kids mentioned the new school they are going to next year. Since the time she decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore they were accepted to this school, so I hadn't had a chance to tell her about it. I could tell she was irritated to not already know but, if we don't ever talk then how would I tell her about these things?
So overall, other than those things, it went pretty well. She was very, very upset when the visit was over. I know it is hard for her. I just can't imagine. I'm sure she has so many regrets, so many things she wishes she would have done differently. Years and years of poor choices ended with her getting her kids taken away, and continued poor choices for 2 more years got them taken away forever. I am not sure how you would even deal with that as a human being and living with that, forever. The kids didn't help anything by saying "Can we come visit your house? can you come to our house?" etc etc.
I haven't heard from her but I am sort of expecting some kind of shaming message to come eventually once she pulls herself back together. We will see. The kids seem fine, they haven't really talked about it. Maybe once things settle down and they have had time to think about it they will have some more questions.
I just really don't know how to handle these gray areas. If she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, then it seems like...she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. But does she still want to talk to me about SOME stuff? Or, like, am I supposed to tell her about milestones or something still? Or just let the kids tell her when they see her, now that they are actually seeing her (since they weren't before, of course). I am a very black and white person and I suck, I mean REALLY suck, at interpersonal relationships, especially when the other person seems to really despise me.
D came into town this weekend too and came over and surprised me. We managed to get a family pic, which we haven't had one taken in almost 2 years so that was good! I asked if he was visiting bio mom and he said no way, so I didn't mention to her at all that he was here.
I guess that is all for now. Just writing all this down was exhausting but I want to put it down on "paper" or else I know I'll forget.
______________________
In other news, hubby and I got fingerprinted and filled out all our paperwork for Peanut. So now we wait on the state. Surprise, surprise, waiting on the state. ;) His mom hasn't shown up to the last 2 visits. She only has visits once a week so if she misses two in a row, that is a REALLY long time with no visit. The caseworker asked us how soon we could be ready to take Peanut, and I told him we need like a week's notice to get furniture moved (since we need to rearrange bedrooms). We could go ahead and do this now but since we're not sure if he is actually going to be coming it seems pointless to change things around, right?
I am going through cleaning and organizing and basically nesting in preparation. I know the more organized we are the easier life will be, and so I'm selling stuff, cleaning stuff, and throwing away stuff. It needs to be done regardless of whether he comes to live with us or not, so it's not like I'm wasting my time! I've already gone through all the clothes (ALL THE CLOTHES!) and organized them. I decided to start storing all the winter coats, all the jackets, and all the snow pants together instead of with their respective sex/size clothing. My thinking is, kids can wear jackets, snow pants, and coats that are a size different from their normal clothing size and be fine. So in a pinch (like the first snow of the year, when you aren't really prepared for anything yet) we can just throw stuff on and go play without having to dig up 5 separate tubs of clothes and rifle through them.
Peanut's bio mom goes to court tomorrow, so I guess we will see what happens. Probably nothing but you never know. :D
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